How to make a sacrifice to MOLOCH
1. Prepare an alter to MOLOCH.
The alter should consist of a television tuned to Fox News with the volume muted (sacrifices made during Bill O’Reilly’s show are especially effacious). On top of the alter you should place one black candle representing the ABYSS OF ETERNAL CONSUMPTION, and one red candle representing THE NECTAR OF COLLATERAL DAMAGE.
2. Stake the SACRIFIAL BEAST next to the alter.
Appropriate selection of the SACRIFICIAL BEAST is of the utmost importance. Either a black female goat in estrus or the un-baptized baby of a Christian family are to be prefered. If circumstances do not allow you to obtain either of the above, a common house cat or elderly neighbor may be substituted.
3. Cast a protective circle of dead cockroaches around the alter.
Dead mice may also be used. If you are using cockroaches, poisoning is preferred to squishing, as squished cockroaches are messy and difficult to work with.
4. Light the black candle and recite aloud three times the first sacred mantra:
MOLOCH IS ONE AND KARL ROVE IS HIS APOSTLE
5. Light the red candle and recite aloud three times the second sacred mantra:
MAHU CHENEY MAHU MURDOCH MAHU COULTER MAHU BLAIR.
6. Cut the throat of the SACRIFICIAL BEAST.
Babies have a lot of fat around their necks, which can make it difficult to know if you have cut deep enough to sever the jugular vein. If you are using one for a SACRIFICIAL BEAST don’t take any chances: decapitate the motherfucker.
7. Write out a check for at least $200 to the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE.
Write the boon you are seeking or the name of the person you want killed on the Note line. Remember, the bigger your check, the better the chance that MOLOCH will grant your request!
The alter should consist of a television tuned to Fox News with the volume muted (sacrifices made during Bill O’Reilly’s show are especially effacious). On top of the alter you should place one black candle representing the ABYSS OF ETERNAL CONSUMPTION, and one red candle representing THE NECTAR OF COLLATERAL DAMAGE.
2. Stake the SACRIFIAL BEAST next to the alter.
Appropriate selection of the SACRIFICIAL BEAST is of the utmost importance. Either a black female goat in estrus or the un-baptized baby of a Christian family are to be prefered. If circumstances do not allow you to obtain either of the above, a common house cat or elderly neighbor may be substituted.
3. Cast a protective circle of dead cockroaches around the alter.
Dead mice may also be used. If you are using cockroaches, poisoning is preferred to squishing, as squished cockroaches are messy and difficult to work with.
4. Light the black candle and recite aloud three times the first sacred mantra:
MOLOCH IS ONE AND KARL ROVE IS HIS APOSTLE
5. Light the red candle and recite aloud three times the second sacred mantra:
MAHU CHENEY MAHU MURDOCH MAHU COULTER MAHU BLAIR.
6. Cut the throat of the SACRIFICIAL BEAST.
Babies have a lot of fat around their necks, which can make it difficult to know if you have cut deep enough to sever the jugular vein. If you are using one for a SACRIFICIAL BEAST don’t take any chances: decapitate the motherfucker.
7. Write out a check for at least $200 to the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE.
Write the boon you are seeking or the name of the person you want killed on the Note line. Remember, the bigger your check, the better the chance that MOLOCH will grant your request!
posted by Diptherio at
7:34 PM
1 Comments
